Self esteem

The thing I have the most of in my life is self esteem. I really like myself. I think I'm smart, and funny, and talented in many areas. I'm a good friend and wife. I also love my body. I love my figure and my hair and my eyes. According to one book I just read, with a BMI of 21 I have a "perfect" height-to-weight ratio which is also considered ideal for baby making.

Loving my body in particular puts me in the extreme minority of women. A 2003 survey by the Women's Channel of AOL found that only 4 percent of 45,000 women polled were happy with their looks.

In the last two weeks, though, since being diagnosed with PCOS, and in the months leading up to my diagnosis when I suspected a problem, I've started to dislike my body from an internal perspective. On the outside, I still look the same. I'm happy with everything I see in the mirror, including the little bit of jiggle I see on my thighs and butt (where I tend to carry my weight). On the inside, I feel like my body isn't doing what it's supposed to do.

These recent feelings seem very un-PC and very 1950s housewife of me. All my life I've been an exceptionally strong woman. I've scoffed at people who've told me I need to learn to cook for my husband. I've been (and continue to be) staunchly pro-choice, believing that no one should be able to tell me or any other women what to do with our bodies. Yet at this moment when what I am completely ready for in life is a baby, I feel like my body is failing me.

After reading my ever-going-pile of books, I know I am not alone in these feelings. Still, it is a blow to my ego, which up until this point has been stronger than probably any other woman's in history, besides maybe Cleopatra. Even when my parents virtually disowned me and refused to attend my wedding, I knew it didn't matter and I brushed it off and moved on. This latest problem, though, is not so easy to brush off.

One of my good friends just told me that when she thinks of me, she thinks of a strong woman who just attacks whatever problem is in front of her. She even envisioned me giving myself hormone injections, shouting at the top of my lungs, fists clenched, "BRING IT ON!" Yes, to some extent, that is true of me, but at this moment I'm not quite there.

At this moment, though, I am in the process of formulating my plan of attack, which is getting further solidified each day and which I will share with you shortly. For the time being, though, I am trying to remember these words contained in chapter 7 of the book PCOS and Your Fertility titled "Riding the PCOS Emotional Roller Coaster...":

An assertive woman knows what she wants, respects her own wishes, believes she can make things happen -- and does, isn't afraid to say no or take a chance, accepts responsibility for her actions, expresses her true feeling, and respects and values the feelings of others. Above all, she values herself.

This quotation describes me to a T. Just because I now have the PCOS label for my condition does not mean I need to suddenly change my personality. This is something I need to remember each day as I move forward.